Sep 11

o2 Sales Call

I just had a nice entertaining sales call from o2.


O2: “Hi, we’re calling from o2 to thank you for being a loyal customer and to let you know about some great offers we have for you to thank you for being loyal. Are you free to talk?”

Me: *watches code compile* “Sure why not!”

O2: “How do you find your O2 experience.”

Me: “Fine apart from having no signal anywhere.”

O2: “Oh.. right, are you happy with the amount of free minutes and texts you have? could we offer you more?”

Me: “I never use the ones I have, due to never having a signal.”

O2: “right, I see you have a data plan. Using the internet on your phone is good, do you need a bigger allowance so you can use it more?”

Me: “Never use the data, There are no places around here with an Internet signal.”

O2: “we are slowly upgrading our masts from 3G to 4G so you will soon have super fast internet to your phone. Does your phone handle 4G?”

Me: “4G? I’d be happy with 3G, No, I’d be happy with 1G or even just a phone signal…”

O2: “errr.. is there anyone else in your household with mobile phones?”

Me: “Yes.”

O2: “Ahhh.. are they on O2??”

Me: “Yes, yes they are….. currently”

O2: “And what’s their view of O2 and their accounts?”

Me: “They are happy, apart from not having a signal anywhere!!”

O2: “err, since you use a lot of Data would you consider or be interested in getting a contract with us with a tablet computer, we have a nice deal on iPads…..”

Me: “Didn’t we cover I don’t use the Phones data use because there is no signal anywhere.”

O2: “right.. errr.. ok.. hummm.. well Thank you, have a nice day….”

O2: *Hangs Up*


Phoning to talk about increasing use of phone and 4G. When there is NO phone signal where I live for even calls/texts. There is no signal during my commute to work, and barely a phone signal in the area I work (Phone only no data).  I believe the local Town has a 13 foot circle where you can get 3G, if the wind is blowing in the right direction.

This is a shame, I have been with O2 since before they were O2, My sim still says “BT Genie” on it. And apart from the last several years I never had any signal issues, I had voice/sms everywhere. And now, nowhere.

Isn’t progress great.

Answers via carrier pigeon please.

May 29

Graig Aid Music Festival 2014

Hi Everybody.

It is that time of year again when the GraigAid People are pleased to announce that they are back again for this year’s two day charity live music festival which will be held on the 25th and 26th July 2014.

We here at the Three-Ninjas in a un-characteristic gesture of cooperation and helpfulness have decided to help spread the word a bit, and get some helpful information for YOU dear Constant Reader by interviewing an un-named member of the organisation team.


Three Ninjas: So Deep Throat, may we call you Deep throat?

Deep Throat: I would rather you did not!

TN: Ok. So GraidAid. Let’s start with the basics. When is it this year?

DT: It will be held on the 25th and 26th July 2014.

TN: And where?

DT: Once again we are back at the Three Pigeons in Graigfechan. (Location Details: Here)

TN: That was a little bit odd. You just responded with a href web link. Are you drunk?

DT: What? Wait? What kind of interview is this?

TN: The awesome kind. So talking of Drunk, Will there be anything good to drink at this So Deep Throat, may we call you Deep throat?years event? Just asking as some of our readers are alcoholics, err Drink connoisseurs. 

DT: The event is in the grounds of a PUB! there is plenty to choose from, including  real ale and ciders, hot food, etc. Including some very nice local brewed real ale

TN: Is that Stuart’s stuff? because Dear Reader, that stuff is GOOD.

DT: Yes. Yes it is.

TN: So. How’s this years line up going?

DT: 15 bands confirmed so far, you can get a basic list here

TN: And Tickets?

DT: They are available from our website now! along with tickets for Camping.

TN: There is camping available, for those who wish to drink late, and not drive home?

DT: Yes, the camping tickets need to be booked in advance because we need to allocate spaces and confirm to rules and regulations. 

TN: Do the entry tickets need booking in advance?

DT: No, only the camping. Entry tickets can be got on the day. But we recommend people pre-book them anyway.

TN: SO. If people want to know more about this event what should they do?

DT: Well they can visit out official website or go see our Facebook Page, Twitter account, etc to be kept up to date on all news and details.

TN: Thank you for taking a break from your hectic schedule to spend a few minutes answering our questions.

DT: It was a pleasure… HEY! hold on a moment, you are still calling me Deep Throat?

TN: Is that our phone.. Right got to go…..



Graig Aid Music Festival 2014

We are pleased to announce that we are back at the Three Pigeons in Graigfechan for this year’s two day charity live music festival which will be held on the 25th and 26th July 2014, with 15 bands, real ale and ciders, hot food and camping facilities.

We have more than adequate covered areas from which the stage is visible and following last year’s successful experiment, dry weather and sunshine have been re- booked !!

Children Under 12 accompanied by an adult are free, whilst there are concessionary prices for Under 16′s. Please join us at our family friendly festival in the beautiful Vale of Clwyd in North Wales, why not come along as part of your holiday ?

Please watch their webspace for more details as they emerge for ticket ordering and if you fancy volunteering to help!

Jul 14

RIP Dogmeat

DogmeatRIP Dogmeat, You were a faithful companion for a long time. You traveled with me across the wastlands protecting me from the weird creatures that live in the wilderness.

But why did you have to be so reckless, Why did you take on 5 giant ants at once? You made me break my rule on restoring from a savepoint. Which is something I never do!!!

And then you stupid stupid dog, You went and got yourself killed again. Even though I told you to stay put, and not move you ran again to your death against the ants.

RIP. You are gone but not forgotten.

Jul 10

Funny Support Emails

Dear Constant Reader,

I got into the Insane Asylum this morning to find the following email on your support system, and it was too amusing not to share ;-)


F*cking iPhones. His iPad has exactly the same settings as his iPhone. iPad connects and retrieves email. iPhone does not. Have advised him to test it against a brick wall.

iShit really is the spawn of the Devil. You would NOT believe the problems I have with them (or perhaps you might). Wi-fi connection seems a favourite one. Happy to connect to one AP but not another (same manuf, same encrypt etc…).

They are as shi**y as a very shi**y thing.

You can tell I’m not happy.

Ps. Until a few months ago I had a mac. Just for testing purposes. I need blood pressure medication and I had to get rid of it for medical reasons. The day some dork won the eBay bid was one of the happiest of my life…

Apr 17


Hi loyal readers.

Just a quick post to say we are back up and running. “What? You did not notice we had gone away? for shame on you!

We have had a change of hosting providers. The new one is fast, stronger, newer, its the 6 million dollar hosting.


Apr 11

Internet? We don’t need no Stinking Internet!

So We have a slight issue here at the Insane Asylum. The ADSL Line that out VoIP server is on can not keep a sync, The second it connects up it then disconnects. It has been doing this for two days now.

This is bad enough, but not something we could not deal with since we have two internet lines coming into the building. But Our main line is behaving just a “Tad” better. It can stay connected for a whole FOUR minutes before dropping the connection.

Hey, The Internet in four minute segments is not that bad right? How about the speed of that line has dropped due to the constant disconnects and is now syncing up at a WHOPPING 0.5Meg.

This is no where near enough to supply the amount of people here trying to work. So even thought we were able to do a bit of creative patching and got an old style phone working (One phone for all the numbers coming into the building) We do not have enough of a connection to the Net for us to do any work even if you were lucky enough to get us on the phone.

There is just one question remaining.

Who has the board games?

Jan 09

The Apple does not fall far from the Tree

My father got my mother a Kindle Paperwhite for Christmas since she loves to read at night. I was there when she opened it, I watched as she excitedly opened the box, took out her new kindle and powered it on for the first time, touched the screen, looked confused and handed the device to me (within four minutes of opening the box) asking “Why is it all weird?” My mother had managed to set the kindles language to Chinese. And expected me to quickly fix her new toy so she could continue to play with it.

Now I do not know if you are aware, but when powering on a kindle paperwhite for the first time it goes through a sequence of steps. Such as Set up Language, Set up WiFi, Set up and log into your amazon account, etc. And you must complete all these steps before you get to such useful things as Menus & Options. So I had to do all that for her before I could re-set the language, and I had to do it all in Chinese Kanji. before I could try and read through the menus (In Chinese) to change the language.

As you can imagine, My mother took some stick for doing this.


My mothers old eBook reader she gave to my sister since she no longer needed it. So I blanked and reset it for her, added a load of free public domain books to start her off and it was sent to my sisters house.

FIVE minutes after it was dropped off at my sisters house I got a phone call from her, asking how to reset the device as she was looking at it and hit the wrong button changing the language to Chinese or some such thing. Yes, she managed to do the exact same thing she made fun of my mother for doing.  And once again it was left to me to fix, this time over the phone, without being able to see the device.

As they say, the Apple does not fall far from the tree…

and as I say “My family can be annoying!!!

Oct 22

Jimmy shoes busted both his legs, trying to learn to fly

Recently while watching an episode of the 1970’s series “Wonder Woman” I realised a very significant Superhero fact.

Wonder Woman is this attractive, super powered Hero until she puts on some normal clothes and a pair of glasses and becomes plain old Diana Prince Secretary.

Superman, The man of steel, A super powered Hero until he dresses in normal clothes and puts on a pair of glasses and becomes plain old Clark Kent reporter.

So working with these facts I reverse engineered the whole Superhero effect. And after hours of complex formulas and MATHS!!! I came up with the underlying logic of super powers. Glasses counter powers.

Armed with this knowledge I did the only sensible next step in testing my theory. I removed my glasses and put my pants on the outside,  thereby granting myself Super Powers!!!


Mathematics Lies!!!

Turns out working backwards and taking a plain normal person, dressing them as a superhero and removing their glasses does not grant them superpowers :(

On a side note, I will accept full responsibility for the injuries sustained in this scientific experimentation.  In hindsight, maybe the “Can leap tall buildings in a single bound” testing should have been jumping from the ground upwards, and not off the top of a tall building.

Also, Flying is not easy to learn when falling. Mother Birds are bitches for throwing their kids out the nest to see if they can fly!!!

Hopefully the casts will come off soon, and I’ll be back up on my foot, Who needs two legs really? I think I’m just one step closer to every humans goal of being a killer cyborg.

Mild Mannered Blogger and not super hero at all.

Aug 01

I Have the Best (But Oddest) Friends

Apparently last night Geek Goddess Felicia Day Tweeted the following.

I did not see the tweet myself due to being asleep. What I did see was the emails waiting for me in my inbox, and the DM’s on Facebook/Twitter from different friends. Mostly along the lines of “Congratulations”, “How did you manage that”, “WOW, your fantasies have come true” and other variations on the theme.

For those of you with a confused look on your face, IN Uni I was referred to as “Pen” and my Uni friends, and SPOD friends from that time still call me Pen. Which makes the phrase “Pen exploded all over me.” a totally different meaning.

Friends. You Rock !m!.


Mar 29

Vaginal Fantasy Hangout

  “Once a month four ladies discuss a Vaginal Fantasy book in a G+ Hangout. Interpret at will.”

Thats the premise of this group off their website, and basically thats what it is. Two months back Felicia Day, Bonnie Burton, Veronica Belmont and Kiala Kazebee* teamed up to do a G+ Hangout where they discussed “Vaginal Fantasy”**, I watched the first one simply because I follow some of those ladies on the Twitters and find them very entertaining. Well individually they may be entertaining, combine them into a group, add a helping of alcohol and you get something where the combined awesomeness outweighs the total of the individual parts.

The hangout was so popular that they created a goodreads group, their own website and set it up to be a monthly hangout. Now since I am male and don’t read those lovey-dovey ladies books I did not read the first group book, but simply watched the second hangout for the comedy and fun of the event. I did feel bad, like I was failing, I had joined the book club so I should read the books, or at least try to start them. So when the book for the third hangout was posted I figured “What the hell!” its only one small book, I can give over a short time to reading it, and if I tell no one then my manliness will be safe.

The book was “Slave to Sensation” by Nalini Singh. OK the title was not the best, and the cover art!!! Lets just say “thank the gods for eBooks and leave it at that” The book itself, well the plot was a bit thin, the “Bad guy” was easily identifiable from the start, and there was a lot of just “blurring over” points, or questions. But Guys thats not the point of these books apparently, no! they are a quick read, One maybe two nights and you finish the book, so its fast pulp fiction and the main part is the “romance”.

Buy GUYS I have to let you into a secret the GALS have been keeping to themselves, the romance? well it involves SEX, lots of sex. In fact you could call it soft porn***, OK its not images or photographs, but its descriptive scenes. So just a different kind, maybe men traditionally prefer the visual stimulation and women may like the written where it plays out in their mind. So any guy who is told by a woman that porn is wrong, or she does not like it, I suggest that man have a peak at that womans book collection.

Hell, Guys, if your parter reads “chick romance books” Have a read yourself the next time they are out and you are alone with their books. Trust me, its worth the experience. And defiantly watch the Hangouts, they are one of the best shows on the interwebz at the minute.

And if you catch me reading any of these VF style books, I can assure you its for “Research Purposes” I’m just checking them out “……for a friend

Vaginal Fantasy Details.


GoodReads Group:

Videos: You can find these on Felicia’s youtube channel

  • * Four women who belong to that supposedly mythical group “Geek Girls”
  • ** This term probably does not mean what you think it does
  • *** Yes I know its not really porn, but if you think of it as the stories in “Those” kinds of magazines then it is very similar ;o).