The Rise of the Hammer Gnome

I was minding my own business this morning in work when someone brought in a delivery for me.  I was not expecting anything, nor I had not ordered anything, so you could imagine my confusion.


Me: “Why have I got a box? I never have a box!”
Everyone Else: “Why don’t we have a box?”
Me: “But. Why do I have a Box?”



“Live Gnome Inside”? WTF? Have I fallen into an episode of the twilight zone or something. Live Gnome Inside? what is gong on?


what was that? anyone else hear that?


What? is anyone one else hearing voices? Ok, why is there a live Gnome in a Box? Why do I have a Box? Why do I have a Live Gnome?



2015-10-29 12.18.59


Who are you? What is going on? Am I finally going Insane?


you say that like it means something?


No, Never. Who are you? What are you? What is going on? Where did you come from? And why do you talk in shouting? why do you talk?


Right, that explains everything. *starts dialing the men in the white coats*


Well that explains everything. The @EvilGothGnome is at home, I will take you to see him later. Remind me to thank @MaguirePete and to check into how much it costs to get psychological testing.

I sense interesting times ahead.

When God created Wales

In the beginning the Lord God Almighty turned to the Archangel
Gabriel, and said:

“Today I am going to create a beautiful part of the Earth and I will
call it Wales. I will make a country of breathtaking blue lakes, rich
green forests and dark beautiful mountains from which from time to
time will be snow-covered. I will give it clear, swift rivers that will
overflow with salmon and trout.

The land shall be lush and fertile on which the people can raise cattle
and grow their food, as well as being rich with precious metals and
stones that will be sought after, the World over.

Underneath the land I shall lay rich seams of coal for the inhabitants to
mine. Around the coast I will make some of the most beautiful areas in
the World. White sandy beaches and cliffs that will attract all manner
of wildlife, and lots of islands that will be paradise to all who visit
them. In the waters around the shores there will be abundance of sea-life.

The people who will live there will be called the Welsh, and they will
be the friendliest people on my Earth. They will have magic in their
blood, and songs in their souls. Their Voices when raised in song shall
challenge the choir of angels.”

“Excuse me, sire” interrupted the Archangel Gabriel, “don’t you think
that you are being a bit generous to these Welsh?”

The lord just smiled and replied “You have not seen the neighbours
I’m giving them!”

Wrexham Gets Super Prison

So it’s been announced today that Wrexham has “WON” and we are to get the UK’s first Massive Super Prison. This is a similar “Winning” to when you go to get checked out at the VD clinic and “WIN” a course of treatment.

Wrexham as a town has been declining for a while, there are almost as many closed shops as there are open ones, and there are barley enough stalls in the three Indoor markets to actually fill one.

On top of all this, with a spate of bad press and none flattering headlines, several campaigns have started to try and change Wrexham for the better, and improve public opinion.

All of this is now Pointless, since with the Super Prison coming to Wrexham, public opinion will just associate the Name Wrexham with Prison. So Wrexham is doomed. UNLESS

I heard a rumour that because Wrexham is already mostly closing down, and has a poor public reputation, that they were just going to build a big wall around Wrexham. I believe the Prison architects cited Case studies of “NewYork” “L.A.” “Arkham Asylum” as good examples of a cheap easy way to build a super Prison.

In related news Paramount Pictures to start work on a new Snake Plissken film.


Funny Support Emails

Dear Constant Reader,

I got into the Insane Asylum this morning to find the following email on your support system, and it was too amusing not to share 😉


F*cking iPhones. His iPad has exactly the same settings as his iPhone. iPad connects and retrieves email. iPhone does not. Have advised him to test it against a brick wall.

iShit really is the spawn of the Devil. You would NOT believe the problems I have with them (or perhaps you might). Wi-fi connection seems a favourite one. Happy to connect to one AP but not another (same manuf, same encrypt etc…).

They are as shi**y as a very shi**y thing.

You can tell I’m not happy.

Ps. Until a few months ago I had a mac. Just for testing purposes. I need blood pressure medication and I had to get rid of it for medical reasons. The day some dork won the eBay bid was one of the happiest of my life…

Guest Post – Introducing The Evil Goth Gnome

According to the Three Ninjas control panel/stat’s thing, this is actually post number 666. I know, a fear inspiring number right? Now since none of us wanted to actually write the post of the beast, we did the only thing we could think of. We got ourselves a Guest Blogger (of a sorts).

You may Remember Him from the funny post So, what’s the fox urine for?and for getting the blame in several post such as 12 in 12 – Month 3. That is right, The Evil Goth Gnome himself.

We should give you some history on the Gnome. He first showed up at the Ninja Temple Headquarters of the Three Ninjas one Christmas, after PlanetPete tried ridding himself of the Gnome’s evil influence, by giving him to us as a “Christmas Present”.

“I first met Evil Gnome  when he tried to persuade me to say evil things on-line to twitter. Although he seems a quiet individual, he reminds me off a viper sat awaiting to strike at feet passing by.”

PlanetPete 2013.

Since there he has been happily stalking about the HQ, plotting whatever it is that Gnome’s plot. And whispering evil suggestions to us. Which we have to date managed to resist complying with.

EGG: “That is what you think! I got you to give me access to this site didn’t I?”

GN: “That was our Idea”

EGG: “Oh, was it? Was it really? Hey WTF??? Why am I EGG???”

CN: “In chats we always use Initials, It’s not our fault you are an egg!”

EGG: *starts plotting*

Why is He called The Evil Goth Gnome?

Why is anything called what it is?


Gnome: Well He is basically a Garden Gnome.

EGG: “There is no such thing as ‘Basically a Garden Gnome’ We Gnome’s are the pinnacle of evolution. Have you seen those weeping angel things from Doctor who? We taught them that trick of becoming solid stone when watched!”

Goth: Because he is Monochrome, being a patchwork of black and white. Apart from he Orange boots. For some reasons even goth gnomes have the traditional orange boots.

EGG: “Hey, Leave the boots out of it. A Gnome is not a Gnome without his bright boots. We do not make fun of your mating habits, so leave the boots out of it.”

Evil: Because he is evil!

EGG: “You know what they say? ‘Evil is in the eye of the beholder’ and if you call me Evil again, it’ll be a pencil in the eye of the Ninja!”

So Constant Reader welcome our new Guest Blogger EvilGothGnome. And may heaven have mercy on your souls!

EGG: “Hey! That is not very Nice! You are giving the readers the wrong impression of me!”

I have been reminded to inform you that He is on “The Twitters” as @EvilGothGnome. And by Informed I mean i just had a post-it note stapled to my ankle.

Genetically Engineered Animals Fight Back.

Ok, so you are probably looking at the title of this post and wondering “WTF is he on about now?” or maybe you think its a GM crop style post. Well Whatever is going through your mind right about now I bet its not what the content of this post is actually about.

So this morning on my daily commute to the Insane Asylum I was stuck behind a white van with a very odd logo on it and the term GEA United. *one second, I took a photograph to show you guys, and to check later to make sure I had not finally gone Insane* (Editor: “Whats do you mean gone?“)

If you look closely (Or embiggen it) you will notice the picture seems to be of a Black and Orange cow being chased off by a bunch of normal Black/White cows. Obviously the Orange cow is not a natural creature so it must have been Genetically Engineered, and since it is clearly running for its life, The other Cows must be attacking it because of its difference. Calling them Nazi Cows may be a bit strong, but we here at the Three Ninjas Temple have never been scared to speak our minds.

Since the Picture undoubtedly represents the oppressions and bullying that Genetically Engineered Animals have to deal with on a daily basis, the name “GEA United” becomes simple to work out. Genetically Engineered Animals United. Its some support group created to be the voice of the oppressed, and help out where they can. A worthy goal I say, for we can not let the Nazi Cows rule the world.

Yes, I know there is some editing of the photo, I have removed the license plate and phone numbers from the vehicle to help protect the vital work done by GEA United. So some of you may be thinking I coloured in the cow Orange, to you people I say two things, firstly “What kind of person would colour a cow Orange??” and secondly “here, I found this logo on the interwebz.

I would like you all to now take a moment out of your busy day and spare a thought about the heroic work done by these guys, and maybe make a donation the next time you see a oddly coloured talking animal out with a collection jar/bucket/tin.