Vampiric Eye Update

Well its that time again when I have to pop into the local hospital for a check-up on my Vampiric eye syndrome. Only today’s appointment was not at my usual first thing in the morning time, but at the unhelpful time of 11am. Now this is both a bonus (I can work from home for a while before having to go for appointment, which means less time spent in the office) and a hindrance (If you’re not there early enough in the day, then parking is next to impossible.).

I arrive at the hospital in plenty of time and try and park in the car-park near the eye outpatients, No Room, So I try the several staff car parks close to that end of the hospital (I may, or may not have acquired a staff parking permit for my car) No Room. OK, so there is a car-park half way along the hospital complex, No Room. The staff car-park near the middle of the complex? No Room. The huge main car-park at the other end of the hospital to where I need to be? No Room. The overflow massive car-park that’s been built on the far end of the main car-park? No Room.  At this point I would have happily parked on a manger in a stable!. Right there is a bit of wasteland at the end of the overflow car-park where people park if there is no where else left? No Room!! At this point I remember I’m driving a 4×4 and park it “off road

Its Raining, and I have approximately a 3/4 mile walk through the various car-parks to get to the hospital, and then a 1/2 mile walk to get to the opposite side of the hospital where my appointment is in  18 minutes! Did I mention its raining?

So I get into the eye outpatients slightly bedraggled from the rain, and out of breath from the speed walking. I report to the receptionist who disappointedly is not the cute friendly one who always remembers my name, but some other one. I explain I have an appointment, confirm my address to prove who I am and get asked :-

Receptionist: Have you moved house since you were last here?

GN:err no! I just confirmed my address to you?

Receptionist: Have you changed surgery or doctors since you were last here?

GN:err no! I would have informed you, I just want my appointment! please can I sit down

Receptionist: “Its sometimes like you live here isnt it?

GN:err yes*smiles disarmingly as I back slowly away without making any sudden movements to a seat*

The waiting game begins, So I start writing a blog post about an update to my Vampiric eye syndrome, not this blog post, oh no. I wrote a post of several hundred words, using the wordpress iPhone App, and saved it to “local drafts” only for it to vanish into the void. I then get called for an eye test before moving to another waiting area to wait to see the actual doctor.

I should point out stupidity of the eye test station. You go in and read the letters off the board for them to measure your eye sight level. Only you are there due to some eye problem, Myself I’m on eye drops that tend to dilute eye and make everything fuzzy, so have yet to go into eye test room when I could see the board with the drop affected eye. I also have them confused as there are two identical test rooms, with identical eye charts, Yet if I am in the right hand room I can see several lines further down the chart than I can in the left hand room.

So I make it to the final waiting room, and boy does this room live up to its name, and then some! I was here for over an hour. It’s not their fault really, the eye outpatient department is the busiest department in the hospital (Well maybe apart from A&E on a Saturday night) So the place is always packed to capacity. Then you have the fact they have a special infectious eye clinic on the second Wednesday of the month (to add even more people to the overcrowdedness) And to top it all off today, they were a Doctor down, and then a second Doctor was called out to an emergency, meaning the remaining Doctors had to see their patients as well as the missing Doctors patients.  So this meant I had an hours wait, and there was no WiFi available for me to use, and no phone signal.

So, to recap, I had a stupidly long walk through the rain to get here, I’ve been waiting bored out my head for about an hour and a half in total. And how long am I in with the Doc for? FIVE MINUTES! Long enough to say Hi, her to check my eye, declare its looking good, and lower my drops, and say she will see me in two months.

I hate Hospitals!!!!!!!

Vampiric Eye – Revisited

This Christmas I was afflicted with “Vampiric Eye” again (Or iritis for those of you who like medical terms). Now there is nothing special about this, other than I am getting slowly fed up of the repeated outbreaks, and there will be vengeance on whatever is the cause (And there may be a new clue).

I only mention this outbreak now as I am reminded of the great “Bedside Manner” of the Doctors who treated me in A&E, and the great way they put my mind at rest, and alleviated worry.

I turned up at A&E since the eye outpatients was closed over the Christmas holidays. I signed myself in and waited upon Triage, I should have been tipped off it was not going to be a good day when I got Triaged twice by two different nurses. Eventually I made it into the examining rooms and was seen by a young Doctor, who was confused by the state of my eye, and just kept muttering to himself (Possibly a curse to ward off the evil eye?). After a while, he asks me to wait while he goes to find a senior Doctor since he admits to being clueless.

The Senior Doctor working in the A&E comes to see me, He looks at my eye and starts muttering to himself. He then calls the junior one over and they start talking to themselves.. “Have you seen the shape of the eye? why is it that shape?“, “Have you ever seen one bulging like that? its all swollen“, “Wow, its like the inside is all full of gray puss“. All the while I am sat there, in earshot, in pain, and getting worried.

The senior Doc returns to me and says with full confidence. “Could you go back and wait in the waiting room please, we don’t know whats going on so we are calling an eye specialist to come in to the hospital to look at you!“.   Great, its Xmas time, and a Doctor is being phoned up at home, to travel through the snow to the local hospital to look at me, I sense painful eye prodding & drops in my future.

My eye is 90% fine as of Wednesday, So I feel I can poke fun at the events involved.

Doctors 2.0

Yesterday I gave in to the masses, who had been giving me a hard time for not going to the doctor with my “Vampire Eye“.

So I woke up yesterday, got dressed up in my Ninja Gi, loaded up with all the weapons and tools of the Ninja, and prepared for the dangerous, and arduous task that is trying to book an appointment at my medical centre. And was I in for a surprise.

I get ready with the house phone, my mobile, & a scripted PBX to attempt the impossible first step, actually getting hold of someone. I dial and……. I get an automated welcome message, welcoming me to the medical centre, informing me my call may be recorded for training purposes and telling me i shall have options to pick from.  WOW. My Doctors place has got themselves a decent phone system that’s not some old woman sat at a desk moving wires about.

I then get to the menu system of the phone call. “Press one for…..” there then followed a huge list of all the possible reasons you may press option one. Then SILENCE, I waited, and waited, but still there was silence. “OK? so the first part of the menu is press 1 or press 1” I pressed 1, and the phone started ringing and I got a real person.  Yes their automated phone messaging system goes. Press 1 and get person. They have managed to add a pointless step in the process of PHONE-RINGS->ANSWER-PHONE.

I get my appointment and dutifully turn up at the surgery on time. Only its all different, its bigger, better, and different. In fact its like they had built a huge new building next to the original, then knocked down the original to make additional car parking spaces. Well the old place had been there for dozens of years, and was a bit small and dingy.

I enter the posh new building to be greeted by a large wall mounted flat screen TV with the word “Welcome” on it in a button like box. I then touched the button on the screen like you do, it changed to two buttons [Male] & [Female] “Wow, they really gone to town on making the patients feel comfortable while waiting, they even supply company for you“. I quickly pressed the [Female] button, it now asked for a D.O.B. “wow. I wonder if they ask for my preferred hair colour and such?”  I hit a few random options for a birth date, and waited for my order to arrive.

The screen in front of me said “Welcome Mrs ***** ****** ******, please take a seat in the waiting area.” *SHIT* its a login system, not a online ordering thing. I hit reset, and put my details in, and made my way to sit innocently in the waiting room. Where there was an even bigger flat screen TV informing me that “smoking is bad” “unsafe sex is bad” “yada yada yada” and occasional beeping and telling someone they should go to room **.  Modern technology is great, instead of the old yellowing posters telling me everything fun is bad for me, they now get to do it in wide screen, high definition.

After all that, the Doc told me nothing I didn’t already know, and I was in with him for about 3 minutes. This is why I never bother going to see the Doctor.

Vampire Eye

I am suffering from the medical condition “Vampire Eyes” again. “What is Vampire Eye?“you ask, Well you should read some of the earlier blog posts where its mentioned in detail.  OK! I’m nice, I’ll  give a quick re-cap for the newer readers.

VAMPIRE EYES:

A weird eye infection that causes the eye infected to glow red, be extremely sensitive to sunlight, spend all day trying to close, and all night trying to open.

So if you’re wondering where I have been recently, I’m hiding in the dark avoiding all sources of light, like for example monitors.

hallucinations of Mass SelfSucide

OK, Before I get onto writing this post I feel I should point out that I am not 100% convinced suicide is the correct term for the title.  Now I am not a student of Latin, in fact the closest I have ever come to studying the language is lying with my head in the lap of a girl who was practicing for her Latin Oral.  But that’s another story for another time.

Now, I know the ****cide words for different kids of killings are made up from two parts. the ending cide from the Latin Caedere, Cecidi meaning Killing.  And the first part depicts the kind of thing being killed. for eg:-

  • regicide: killing of a king/Queen
  • homicide: killing of a human
  • parricide: killing  of a parent
  • fratricide: killing of a brother
  • sororicide: killing of a sister
  • uxoricide: killing of a wife
  • mariticide: killing of a husband
  • herbicide: Killing Plants
  • suicide: Killing of yourself

Now the best i can work out the word i really needed to use would be genesuicide which i may just have made up now, and only people who know the meaning of the three parts of the word would have been able to work out what on earth I was trying to say. So for now I will settle for suicide, Unless anyone can correct me.

Now to the Post… *Random Dramatic Music*

I have been ill the last few days, some form of flu (not of the aporckalypse kind) yet still a very nasty one. Lets just say I crawled into bed around 9pm Sunday, and apart from trips to hug the toilet did not crawl back out until some point Tuesday evening.  Now during this extended stay in bed, I did start hallucinating slightly.  This is the only the second time I remember being so ill i hallucinated, the previous time it was with some very strong 48 hour debilitating flu as well. So maybe the same strain?

The previous hallucinations of several years ago involved some microscopic aliens with a odd fetish for saucepans. Apparently “so they informed me” the common saucepan is the greatest invention of all time, you can cook with it, eat from it, drink from it, carry stuff (both liquid and solid) in it, Use it to paddle, bail out, dig, as a rudimentary trap for small animals, and even as a weapon. I was tempted at the time to argue for the validity of other inventions possibly in the medical or gaming areas as a better invention to worship, but when you are convinced your bed is full of microscopic aliens armed with saucepans you tend just to agree with them and pray you get better soon.  Anyway that’s a different story.

This time the hallucinations were mainly auditory, it sounded like thousands of me’s were all talking in my head. and each was different in a slight way. As if every me from the multiverse had all been pulled into the same place at the same time, so each of their thoughts could be heard by all the others. Do you realise how impossible it is to sleep with hundreds of voices arguing, crying, moaning loudly in your head at the same time? It did not make it better that one of the voices could not cope, so kept singing one verse from the song Puss in boots over and over again to drown out the sound of the others.

Pussycat, pussycat where have you been?
I’ve been to london, now I’m queen
Sitting pretty, I don’t wear suits
And the mice all call me –
Puss’n boots

Puss’n Boots By Adam & The Ants

Over and over and over solidly for over ten hours. I tell you, I was getting close to giving up until I noticed the volume of voices were getting less and less over time, like there was less me’s about.  Now I’d like to think this was my bodys reaction to getting better, that it was natural progressions.  The only thing stopping me believe that is the fact that as the number of other me’s dropped the voice of my subconscious got happier and happier.

I believe I mentioned how all the multiverses version of me had slightly different qualities? well out of the hundreds that were in my hallucination, only my subconscious was a sociopath.

Luckily it was all just a Hallucination.  Wasn’t it?

Medical Misadventures

I am suffering from the medical condition “Vampire Eyes” again. “What is Vampire Eye?“you ask, Well you should read some of the earlier blog posts where its mentioned in detail.  OK! I’m nice, I’ll  give a quick re-cap for the newer readers.

VAMPIRE EYES:

A weird eye infection that causes the eye infected to glow red, be extremely sensitive to sunlight, spend all day trying to close, and all night trying to open.

That’s probably not the correct medical term, Its just the one I am using until someone can give me the correct term.  And No one has yet identified the illness. So there I am next best thing to blind and not liking it at all, so I play the lottery of seeing a doctor.  You see, to get an appointment with my doctor you must phone up in a very short window of time the morning you would like the appointment.  Now there is only one phone number, one person answering, for an area covering six or more villages (One being the largest village in Wales). So the phone line is constantly engaged.  Today I was lucky. I got me an appointment at 9:30 with a new doctor.

So at 9:15 I pull into the car park of the doctors place only to find it full, as is the library car park next to it, a quick zoom around all the neighbouring car parks left me abandoning my car on the side of the road. (Err YES! the brighter of you lot may have just asked out loud, “You Drove? You said you was blind!” its a skill driving purely by using the power of the force!)  Anyway, I make it into the Doctors Surgery for 9:25 and state my name, appointment time and details to the receptionist who proceeds to give me a number attached to a big coloured bit of plastic. “A Number? I have an appointment at a set time, i had to fight using multiple phone lines to get it, and I am reduced to a number, just like in the pre-appointment times!” So I sit down with my number (5) a quick check at current number (2) means I have a bit of a wait…

*BUZZ* *BUZZ* The light next to my Doctors name is flashing, its not my turn as I am several numbers down the list.  Now some old lady with a lower number than me looks at the other old dear next to her and goes “Thats you dear, your the next number!” for the other woman to reply “No, I’m a different doctor” They then get into a small argument over what doctor they are seeing as they both have the same coloured bit of plastic (each doctor having a different colour). This argument them covers the whole room as its discovered everyone in the waiting room has the same coloured bits of plastic yet are waiting on four different doctors.  After a bit more arguing and more buzzing from the doctor the least able bodied person in the room stumbles her way to the receptionist on her two walking sticks.  It turns out the receptionist was having an insane morning and gave everyone the same colour. So we are all given the correct colour, and I see an opportunity as I now have a card for the most popular doctor with a number lower than most the people waiting to see him. So I try to sell my lower number, Alas I failed to get any bids and the card was taken off my be a nurse.

On another bonus, my new doctor is a rather attractive young lady so i may need to fabricate a few more illnesses.

It made for an entertaining morning.