Last night I was visiting a friends Lodge in the deepest, darkest wilderness that is Cheshire, England. It was an enjoyable evening, right up to the end of the meal when I happened to check my phone and spot the following text messages :-
“Snowing like hell and sticking, wouldn’t stay too long, weather warning on TV” 18:49
“Stopped snowing but still a good covering, sky looks like more to come.” 19:41
The time I read these messages, 22:01. YES. Several hours after receiving the warning of bad weather, so just how bad would it be now? Since I am a sensible person (Oi! shut it you!!!) I did not stay for any after meal drinks, or late night esoteric discussions, but left immediately after I finished the apple crumble & custard.
The car-park and surrounding area were snow free when I left, which was a good start to the trip home as I will admit I was feeling a little bit worried. The worry of “will I make it home” was added to by the closure of the main route back into Wales, and many other smaller road closures and diversions, meaning most of my trip would be on lesser roads. Roads that may not be gritted, or used as much.
SO the long journey began, along dark misty roads where I was often the only car travelling. All the time I was ready to start dealing with SNOWMAGEDDON!!
Oddly I made it all the way to Wales without seeing even a single snowflake. I decided this was understandable, It is often snowing in Wales and not in England. SO on we went, ever vigilant for the bad weather. 45 Minutes later, and I was almost home. And other than the mist, I had encountered no adverse weather, there was no snow on the ground, or trees, buildings, anywhere.
SO, Maybe there was a heavy rain earlier that had washed away all the snow? That must be it. So I continued on, not so vigilant and singing along to the cdplayer….
1 mile from home I had a decision to make. My normal route goes down a load of country roads which are best avoided in bad weather. The other option was to travel further on and then come back on myself via the local village where the roads can be safer to use in bad weather. Since there had been NO SIGN OF SNOW, not even the left over snow you get on the side of the road, I decided to risk the back country roads. 10 minutes later, I arrived at the turning to the road I live along, and started to turn.
HOLY FRELLING GORRAM FRAK
The road in front of me was white, the trees, hedges white, everything was under an inch of snow. And it was snowing, and snowing heavy. I skidded to a stop and looked behind me, No snow. In front Snow.
There was actually a line level with the end of the road. one side was a complete covering of snow, the other normal black road. One side it was snowing heavy, the other not even rain.
It was then that I realised. I actually live in Narnia!!!
P.S. For those curious, This morning I left for work and went the other way along my road, and at the other end of the road. Yup. another white line where the snow just stops.
After months and months of constant rain the country is about as water logged as it can be, for a while now it has only taken a couple of hours light rain to cause flooding all over the place. So with the ground already to capacity, there has been a kind of Nationwide concern over what would happen when the several feet of snow finally melted.
In fact, the Nationwide worry was so “worrying” that the Government environmental agency issued advice on how to prepare and even help prevent flooding. That amazing, scientific, flood defence advice was………….
…………..Wait for it……………
To build Snowmen!
Yes, the cunning plan was that if everyone went out and built a snowman then flooding would be prevented. The logic being, Snowmen take longer to melt than normal snow, so by converting a lot of normal snow into Snowmen, the melting is staggered and flooding prevented.
Now my first thought on hearing this advice, was the same one you are probably having right now. That somehow “The Great Intelligence Institute” had infiltrated the environmental agency, and was planing on taking over the Earth with its army of Snowmen. (I’d seen something similar on a Documentary screened Christmas time)
I did try to investigate this further by checking with the person who answers to the name “The Doctor”, which was not as easy as it sounds. Knowing that with an army of Snowmen were being built, he would be around somewhere I kept an eye out for an old blue police box. I did not find the Police Box because he had the chameleon circuit working an the Box was now in the guise of a old Red Telephone Box. Unfortunately the Doctors recent regeneration seems to have caused problems with the language centre of his brain. The conversation went something like this :-
GN: “Doc, Can I call you Doc?“
Doc: “What? Can I help you?“
GN: “I think the Great Intelligence is trying to take over the earth again with an army of Snowmen“
Doc: “What? what are you going on about? Who are you?“
GN: “The government’s plan to build an army of snowmen“
Doc: *picks up the phone* “Police. I need help“
I decided then that my work was done, The Doctor was obviously contacting the Police/UNIT in an attempt to help. And help he did.
We had a weekend of rain, all the snow melted but there was no flooding this morning, and suspiciously no Snowmen. I can only assume the Doctor did what he did and fixed it all as we slept… So I’d like to say.
I realised this blog had been getting a bit too wordy, and was lacking some images. So I thought I would share some of the images from Snowmagedon
2012 Gorram years changing on me.. 2013.
The start of this week saw parts of Wales hit with edges of Hurricane Katia, there was flooding, damage, cats and dogs raining from the sky, the four horsemen of the apocalypse started to saddle thier horses up ready to fly only to have to stand down after health and safety said it was unsafe to ride horses during an apocalypse.*
Luckily With the Ninjas Temple being on high ground, and no where near the coast we survived the worst of the damage & flooding.
Unluckily a rather large, old tree did fall from the excessive winds and smash into the roof of the Ninja Temple. It was impressive, half the building was hidden under the branches of a mighty old tree.
Luckily the temple was built over specification, and the roof is lined with rather thick strong concrete tiles which were able to hold the weight of the tree without doing any obvious damage.
Unluckily it did wipe out the TV aerial. AND during the Rugby World Cup
Luckily I have a degree in electrical & electronic engineering, with a load of side qualifications in the field. So that particular issue was soon rectified.
So all in all the spiritual power of the Ninja Temple shrugged off the damage dished out by Katia. We are now ready for round 2.
*Some of these actions may not have happened outside of my mind.
I have a new theory!
R: “You say you have a new theory about the brontosaurus.?“
GN: “errr No. I said I had a new theory! nobody mentioned a brontosaurus.“
R: “Right, Got You… So What’s your theory about the brontosaurus.?“
GN: “Arrrrrggghhhhh!” ::sigh:: “OK, This theory goes as follows and begins now. All brontosauruses are thin at one end; much, much thicker in the middle; and then thin again at the far end.“
Ignoring that mindless drivel. I have a new theoretical supposition involving the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics. (impressive right?)
Let me set the environment for this eureka moment.
- Warm bed.
- Early Morning.
- Work Day.
So there I was all warm and comfortable when my alarm went off telling me it was time (Give or take several hits of the snooze button) to get up and get ready to go to work.
Now the previous evening/night it had been snowing rather heavy and at the time I had last checked before going to bed, the snow was a couple of inches deep. If the snow had continued over night then there would be no way I would be driving to work, so would be working from home. This would mean I could go back to sleep for an extra hour. On the other hand, If the snow had changed to rain then the pre-fallen snow would have been destroyed leaving the roads clear for traffic.
So at this point the availability of an extra hour lie-in is dependent on the situation outside my building. Has the snow blocked me in, or has the snow gone? The only way to determine the quantum state of the snow (Snow or Water) is for the observer (me) getting up and looking outside to observe the current state.
The problem with this is :- If I get out of bed to go check outside, then I am already up and about so any chance of a lie-in is destroyed.
On a side note. I think I need an Network Camera so I can check the conditions outside without leaving my bed.
R: “Pah! I proffered the theory about the brontosaurus.“
I have been thinking, and am a bit confused.
R: “A Bit?“
GN: “OK. I’m often confused. I just figured I’d type out my confusion and at the same time send out a call to arms!.”
For the last several years you would have to have been living as a hermit is a small cave on some hidden mountain peak not to have heard about “Global Warming“.
To be fair, when the Doom & Gloom brigade first started they rumblings that we were killing the planet, and that gia would not stand for it, and a war between nature and progress would be the end of us…. “Ooops. My bad! That’s the plot of Avatar. But you get the idea.”
At the time we were having Lovely heat waves, Hottest summers since records begun, sweltering heat, warm winters, snow was a thing of the past. So It did look like this “Global Warming” may be real. So the “Experts” said we were killing the planet, the ice caps were melting in the heat, Sea levels would rise, there would be new floods and carnage.
In fear people jumped on the bandwagon, we had terms like “Carbon Footprint”, we changed the way we live, we turned lights off, or used energy saving ones. We drove less, we quit using cfc’s and aerosols. We did what the experts said. And yet they demand more. There was recently a global meeting of world leaders to talk about how we could cut down our emissions even more.
Now this is what confuses me. We cut down our emissions, and since then we have not had a summer longer than 4 days of sunny weather, we’ve had no heat waves. What we have had is the longest cold spells since records begun. We’ve had more snow in the last year then the decade before it. For the last three months we’ve had permafrost in Wales.
If we cut down our emissions any more we’re on the edge of creating a new ice age. Now I don’t know about you guys. But given the choice of “Global Warming” or “Global Freezing” I choose the option that leads to warm days, cold beers, scantily clad women!
So forget what the so called experts say. What do they know, “Global warming does not equal longest cold spell ever!” So I say, screw them. Lets drive our cars when we don’t really need to, Hell leave the engine running for ten minutes before getting into the car to warm it up. Leave all your lights on 24/7.
Lets have tree cutting days to counter the tree planting ones. Lets wipe out whole forests. Lets burn Hippies! that has got to give off some good carbon emissions!
I am asking you dear Reader, Do what you can to help fight off the Ice Age that’s coming. Remember, A real Ice age is not funny like in the kids films, its not big and its not clever!